I feel like there are some days that come along that will break your heart over and over…. every year. For me those days are the dad my dad died, and today…his birthday. It has only been a couple years but I guess I have this weird expectation that things will get easier, but the truth is it only seems to get harder.
Everyone’s heard the saying “You don’t know what you have till it’s gone”. It’s such a dumb saying, but I’ve also learned the hard way how true it is. There are so many questions I wish I could ask him and things I wish I would’ve done differently. It breaks my heart now to think of the times I could’ve gone to visit him but didn’t, the times I could’ve called him but didn’t. All because I thought I had MORE TIME.
I started today strong; I took the kiddos to a play date and enjoyed time with my friends and family. I was doing “good”, whatever that even means. But as the day went on the anxiety started setting in. Suddenly little things like making dinner and going to my son’s Tball game seemed like huge obstacles. I was emotionally exhausted. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who gently suggested that it wasn’t the end of the world to miss 1 game; and that ordering dinner from somewhere wasn’t a big deal.
He told me the best thing today. As I was starting to break down and the tears were flowing I said, “but I was doing so good.” And his response was beautiful… he told me, “You’re NOT doing it wrong now”. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It just is what it is. If you want to celebrate, then celebrate. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to play hooky on a Tball game, then play hooky.
I hope that next year will be better…but I know it probably won’t be. But that’s okay.
Until then…Happy Birthday in Heaven dad!